Ask a woman if she has ever had an orgasm and she will give you one of a few reactions.
The first is to turn beet-red with embarrassment; another is to laugh. Some will need to think about it. Others will flat out say yes or no. If you ask most men whether or not he has ever given a woman an orgasm, more often than not, you’ll receive a resounding, “Yes.”
According to sex researcher Beverly Whippie, author of “The ‘G’ Spot and Other Discoveries about Human Sexuality,” more women achieved orgasm through manual masturbation or sex toys than they did with a physical partner. A whopping 39 percent of women achieve their “O” by their own means and over 20 percent of women who climax through sex do it with extra clitoral stimulation.
In an age where communication has never before been so easy or accessible, how can it be that women are remaining silent about their pleasure with their partner?
“I’m not comfortable talking about that kind of stuff,” said Aracelli Ramos, 22. “My boyfriend and me have been together for more than a year, and I’m happy and everything… But talking about that kind of stuff makes me feel weird.”
Ramos was not alone in feeling awkward talking about sex, even with her long-term partner.
“I was with my ex for almost two years,” said Jocelyn McMahon, 24. “Sometimes, just being real, it’s not going to happen. But, like, telling him I wasn’t, you know, getting there, it would mess with him. So sometimes, I’d just fake it. It was easier than explaining that him going fast like a damn jackrabbit wasn’t gonna get me there, and starting a fight.”
The disparity between men and women’s orgasms is staggering. According to data from Indiana University’s 2014 National Survey on Sexual Health and Behavior, 84 percent of men were found to orgasm during sexual activity with a familiar partner compared to only 68 percent of women. A reason for this could be that when a man crosses the finish line, too often, the sex does as well. While women are hesitating about being open sexual communicators or putting on Oscar-worthy performances rather than asking for what they want, men are not holding back.
As Darren Garza describes it, “How else are you going to get what you want?” “I’ve stopped a girl that was going down on me once because she was all over the place,” said Garza, 22. “We met downtown at Syndicate, and things started getting hot so we went to go hook up in my car, and she started going down on me. She started slow, and then went fast, and then slow… it was bad… I stopped her when she literally blew on it. Like, with her breath. I was just like, ‘Hey, use your hand and go slow.’ She did… and it was all good from there.”
Missing out on climaxing during sex or while engaging in sexual acts is not unusual for young women, though that appears to be largely missing from the lives of young men.
“I’d rather not have sex than have sex and not nut,” said Javier Arismendez, 24. “What’s the point of that? If one of you finishes before the other, you keep going until everyone’s happy. If the girl I’m with tells me she came and didn’t, though, that’s on her.”
Could the answer to your orgasm be to find your voice first? According to a national poll in Cosmopolitan magazine’s April 2015 issue, it very well may be. The survey asked 2,300 women between the ages of 18 and 40 what the most common obstacles to their orgasms were.
More than 50 percent of women said that most of their orgasms were “almost” orgasms, but they never quite made it over the edge. Another 38 percent of women replied that they were not receiving enough clitoral stimulation, and 32 percent admitted focusing more on how they look during sex – and making sure they don’t accidentally pass gas. Interestingly, when Cosmo asked why women fake it, 28 percent of women say they did it to spare the feelings of their partner and another 27 percent saying they faked it to end sex more quickly because they knew they weren’t going to climax.
For sexual satisfaction of all parties, it is imperative to not be afraid to speak up in the bedroom. Your partner is not getting the best from you if you are faking your orgasms, or being selfish in the sack. You are not sparing anyone by missing out – if anything, you are robbing yourself. There are ways to get your partner to follow a trail of breadcrumbs that will get them to where you want them to be, like encouraging them when they are on the right track by telling them what turns you on or positioning your body in a way that allows your partner to be able to explore.
Life is too short to have unfulfilling sex. Open up to your partner. If they have an orgasm before you, feel free to playfully say, “My turn.” Tell them your wants, needs and desires. Stop faking orgasms. The only person who’s being cheated is you in that scenario. When you find your voice, you’ll find your pleasure. Now ready, set, and “O.”
