Six alternatives to the Super Bowl

By Anthony Jauregui
Senior Reporter

My father always gave me some great advice about what to do when your team doesn’t make the Super Bowl.
And since I’m a Green Bay Packers fan, I’ve decided I’m going to share that advice with you to better your Sunday.
This advice is interchangeable with a fan of football as well as for those who hate it.
The following are things to do instead of watching the Super Bowl:

1. Take Yourself to Church
Even though I haven’t been to church in six years, I’m considering going just so I don’t have to hear about people watching the Super Bowl.
For you atheists, instead of going to church, sacrifice that goat that’s been baa-ing in your garage for a few weeks now. Or just sleep in.

2. Go to Six Flags!
The amusement park is going to be open and running with a guaranteed 27 people there. Don’t waste your time going during the summer when the park is jam packed with Norwegian and Chinese tourists.
Take advantage of the no lines. And if you’re lagging on the finances to make it to the Super Bowl, no need to worry. Just hop into a shopping cart and have someone roll you down the bluffs! The same amount of fun with only half the pain.

3. Hit the Bullseye
Go to Target. Now, I’m not saying that just because I enjoy Target, but because they have amazing deals on televisions! And window shopping never hurt anyone. In my experience, shopping in a Target without the sound of stampeding children is always enjoyable, unless that’s your thing, in which case I’m not judging.

4. Flex Your Credit Card
Take advantage of the sales. This may be a bit counter intuitive since I’ve already mentioned TVs at Target, but there are plenty more where that came from. Chips, dips, meats, lettuces and booze are all going to be on sale.

5. Everyone Likes Puppies
Watch the Puppy Bowl on Animal Planet. Unless you’re a cat person, you can watch Charles Manson interviews from the 70s.

6. Only If You Gotta
If you absolutely need to do something football-esque, do the following: contact your closest family members, enough to play a game of football, stab them and play with a deflated ball.

For maximum effect, do all of these in order. For minimal effect, watch the Super Bowl and wish you listened to me.