Features Editor

Brace yourselves and take cover – the arrows of Cupid are upon us. Unless, of course, you’re single. Some eagerly await Valentine’s Day, excited for what hints, subtle and obvious, of love it may bring while others cower in fear as their calendar looms dangerously close to doomsday. Avoiding eye contact with the calendar seems plausible until you step out into the world and you’re immediately bombarded by storms of heart-red-and-affectionate-pink-everything, chocolates galore, couples smooching like it’s their last day on this love-stricken planet and fat, naked Cupid babies menacingly aiming their arrows at everyone but you. With everyone coupling up, you’d swear it was the beginning of the zombie apocalypse. Judging by couples sucking face, they’re about to eat each other alive anyway.

Valentine’s Day can be a nightmare for Singletons, but it doesn’t have to be.

As a veteran Singleton of two years, I am here to equip you with what you need to survive this day.

Keep it real. 

This isn’t a fairytale. Just because it’s Feb. 14 doesn’t mean a knight in shining armor is going to gallop in on his proverbial white horse and no princess is going to let you scurry up her hair. It’s nice to dream of being swept off your feet and showered in undying affection, but let’s be real.

Valentine’s Day is no different than the other 364 days you cross off your calendar.

Spoil yourself.

That’s right, it’s perfectly acceptable (and delightful) to spoil yourself. Who says that the only person who can spoil you is a doting partner? No one – that’s who. Bust out the scented candles while you dip yourself into a hot, frothy bubble bath with a wine glass as your companion. Pamper yourself, treat yourself to a fancy dinner, go shopping and rock out to your favorite music as long as it’s not depressing. This is your day, and you don’t have to worry about what some lame significant other wants to do. You can romance the hell out of yourself!

Get off the wire.

Stop what you’re doing. Don’t contact your ex and ruin your perfectly promising day. It’s hard to keep your mind from reminiscing on memories of your past beloved, but remember that exes are exes for a reason.

Instead, call up the homies or your grandma. They need love too and may be feeling just as lonely on V-Day as you are. Valentine’s Day isn’t just a day for couples – it’s a day to show any kind of loved one you care.

Don’t trip, chocolate chip.

Don’t trip out when everywhere you turn there are couples lip-locking obnoxiously as they gaily hold hands to the rhythm of their ever-beating hearts. Wake up and smell the impending breakups. Just because every couple you people-watch on V-Day seems like the world’s best couple destined for happily ever after doesn’t mean that they are. Don’t fall for flashy, ‘I have the BEST boo-thing ever!’ Facebook posts either. Every couple fights and has drama. The Valentine’s zombie-couples may have set their problems aside for now to rear their face-sucking heads everywhere, but remember that they only want to eat their partner’s hearts. And livers. And brains.

Put those tissues down!

Don’t torture yourself by watching sappy movies as you dress your popcorn with butter, salt and your sad, big-adult tears. Don’t pour your heart out to your best friend about how your ex was ‘the one that got away.’ You’ll only get spittle everywhere like the big drooling baby you are. No one wants to see you ugly-cry, not even your cat. Get a hold of yourself and quit being so damn melodramatic.

Don’t be afraid to get down.

You don’t need to be moping. You’re single. You can do bad all by yourself. Instead of sulking at home in your adult onsie, get up and do something. Exercise to get the endorphins going, hit the town, go shopping or visit someone.

You’ve got nothing to lose.

This last tip is for those of you who are single but may have your eye on someone. Take Valentine’s as an opportunity to confess. You don’t have to let the person know how you’ve been Facebook-stalking like crazy and, among the many things you’ve noticed, you saw he or she is also alone for V-day. You could offer to hang out or even be old-fashioned and give that someone a valentine, chocolates, a love note or a clue. You’re charming, and V-day is as good a day as any for you to spark a fire between you and that special someone.

Alright my Singletons, I’ve instilled a sense of empowerment, pride and majesty within you. You are now ready to handle Valentine’s Day all by yourself. Keep calm and single on!