By Anthony Jauregui
and Richard Garibay

The 87th annual Oscars were held on Feb. 22 of this year in Los Angeles. Most people know the Oscars to be an event of grandiosity where the greatest of the great in the world of cinema gather together and talk about how their films were from the heart and yadda yadda.
To the inexperienced moviegoer, a movie that has an Oscar under its belt it is one that is worthwhile to sit and watch, or even pay money to go to the theatres.
But you and I should know that just because a movie has an Oscar does not make it great. Just like having not having an Oscar doesn’t make you a worthless actor. Cough, Gary Oldman, Leonardo Dicaprio, Jim Carrey, cough.
Like all things that are judged, films are subjective. Some people may not like seeing an actor or an actress portray a historic icon. The film “The Theory of Everything,” which depicts the life of the great and wonderful Stephen Hawking, could have been a total snooze-fest to a majority of people, but to the academy, it’s sheer gold.
The master key and code to getting in an Oscar is so simple I don’t know why more people don’t do it. You need to impersonate a historical figure or be avant-garde, which means to operate outside of the norm, much like “The Grand Budapest Hotel” or even the surprise hit film “Birdman.” I’m not going to criticize these films because you can watch them and form an opinion yourself, but their fans are a different story.
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard that these movies are the greatest ever or that they’re revolutionary because they built a whole set for the movie. Big effing deal. An Oscar doesn’t mean great, it means accomplishment in the eyes of the academy.
I guess I’m just butt hurt that “Interstellar” didn’t get nominated when it was clearly the best film of the year.
Don’t let the Oscars fool you. Don’t watch a movie and think, “Gee, it won an Oscar, it better be amazing”.
No. Oscars mean the academy is saying good job for getting this far, come back next year. Not all awards are worthless, nor are all Oscars, so don’t let a film’s record influence your opinion.

Best Editing, Sound Mixing, Visual Effects:
No one pays attention to this category. Pick whichever movie you want, because you don’t actually have an opinion. My personal choice is “Fifty Shades of Grey” because of the soothing sound of leather cracking on flesh.

Best Original Score:
Hans Zimmer for “Interstellar.” I’m serious, go listen to this soundtrack. He is such a talented composer and never gets recognition for it. He created the score for this film from scratch without ever having seen the film.

Best Adapted:
“Gone Girl,” a film about a wife that sets up her husband for her own murder, deserves to win this category. It was the only film I know was originally a book and actually did better onscreen, if you know what I’m Tolkien about. Gillian Flynn wrote the book and then adapted it to a screenplay so the transition was seamless. Every bit of insanity from the main character was captured flawlessly.

Best Animated Feature Film:
“The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies,” because even Sir Ian McKellen thought that acting with a green screen was an abomination. I haven’t seen that much CGI since “Star Wars: Attack of the Clones.”

Best Cinematography:
“Interstellar,” because it was an incredible feat to get all of those heavy cameras and their equipment and haul them into space without losing any picture quality in the process.

Best Original Screenplay:
Goes to “The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies,” because after watching it I couldn’t tell what goddamn book it came from if any. This film was the result of setting Tolkien manuscripts on fire, gathering pages that didn’t burn and cobbling them into a movie.

Best Supporting Actress:
Neil Patrick Harris as Desi Collings in “Gone Girl,” because rumor has it that his throat was actually slit on accident during filming and he just went on acting in a pool of his own blood. With this kind of skill I think he can take over Meryl Streep’s position as the great American actress.

Best Supporting Actor:
Randall Park as President Kim in “The Interview,” because he had to have either a huge amount of nerve or money to make fun of one of the most respected and merciful leaders in the world. He basically created a character because that was not the Glorious Leader I’ve come to love. (Sidenote: The Runner cannot afford to have their computers hacked.)

Best Director:
Clint Eastwood for “American Sniper,” because the man is practically directing from the grave at 84 years old.

Best Actress:
Meryl Streep as the witch in “Into the Woods.” There is nowhere to hide from Meryl Streep getting an award, not even here.

Best Actor:
Steve Carrell as John E. du Pont in “Foxcatcher,” because not only is it incredible to think that was Michael Scott, but also because Carrell’s genius acting makes you see du Pont as a totally different person.

And finally….
Best Picture:
“Fifty Shades of Grey,” because it was so well done. Everything about it was so beautifully done. This film changed my life view and raised the bar for filmmaking. Besides, no film has helped me get laid this much since “Passion of the Christ”.