By Nate Sanchez

Senior Columnist

Marvel Studios is a cinematic juggernaut. Stan Lee’s universe of heroes has taken on a power of its own: the ability to pee in a glass, tell you it’s lemonade, and get you to drink the stuff by the gallon. It’s most recent offering, Guardians of the Galaxy, was exactly that. I expected a lot more from this movie than what I got.

For some reason, while I sat in the theater watching this movie, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of déjà vu. It’s like I’d seen this movie before.

The plot focuses on a motley crew of unlikely outlaws-turned-heroes…

…brought together to fight a seemingly unstoppable evil…

…by harnessing a powerful force usable only by a select few.

Hm. I knew going into this movie that critics were calling this movie “Star Wars for a new generation,” but I didn’t expect such a close resemblance. Maybe that’s why the story was so predictable. Speaking of predictable; yes, Chris Pratt and Zoe Saldana’s characters share little moments now and then in some weird interspecies romance (ew?).

And it wasn’t just the plot. The characters were caricatured and shallow. There was Rocket, the insecure raccoon with a napoleon complex, his arboreal simpleton sidekick Groot, capable of growing and regenerating himself, Drax, the destructive monster with a taste for vengeance, Gamora, the orphan-turned-assassin with a strained relationship with her adopted father Thanos (the series’ main villain), and Peter Quill (aka Star Lord), another orphan taken from earth after the death of his mother.

Everything about this movie felt rushed. It’s a huge universe that Marvel is weaving and I guess there wasn’t enough space (GET IT???) to fit in a prequel so it didn’t have to be like this. There’s a lot more I would’ve liked to see of Nebula, the cyborg assassin with a deep hatred for Gamora. I wanted to know more about Ronan the Accuser’s vendetta against the Xandarians, who look just like humans living on earth (although they’re TOTALLY not).

One of this movie’s less heinous crimes was the blatant misappropriation of talent, namely the absence of the incomparable Glenn Close, who received less screentime than a product of the WWE. John C. Reilly’s character was disappointing as well. The dramatic and comedic vibrato of Close and Reilly on the sidelines had me leaving the theater wanting something else.

The best thing about this movie was the humor. I found myself chuckling at the wacky antics of Rocket and Groot. Prior to seeing this movie, I would brag about not being the type of person who spends my hard-earned money to see Vin Diesel act, but I admit he did an amazing job saying three words over the course of two hours. I am Groot. Here’s another three words: Easiest gig ever. Picture The Iron Giant (another of Diesel’s roles) only in tree form, then later on, dancing baby tree form.

Chris Pratt turned in a performance beyond solid, the guy can do no wrong. Although he may keep being typecast as the loveable zealot sprinkled with a bit of idiot. I couldn’t help but think of this movie as “Parks and Recreation’s Andy Dwyer in Space(with some aliens)” at some points. I loved that he carries a Walkman loaded with hits from the ’70s as a link to his mysterious past on Earth. Believe me, it made the soundtrack much better.

Look, I’m a reasonable human being in the First World and I’m capable of finding other means of entertaining myself while I wait patiently for Avengers 2. I don’t need to drown in superhero action movies every year.

Marvel released three other movies this year: Captain America: the Winter Soldier, The Amazing Spiderman 2 and X-men: Days of Future Past (can we talk about how stupid that title sounds?). It’s like Marvel is willing to put out a less-than-stellar product for the sole purpose of dominating the box office with its army of overly-loyal fanboys.

Hey, they got 11 bucks out of me. So mission accomplished, right?

PS: The don’t stick around for the post-credits scene. It doesn’t have anything to do with the plot, chances are you won’t get it and some fanboy is gonna pretentiously shout a patronizing explanation.