By Nate Sanchez
Staff Writer
Mascots are a curious thing. On one hand, I think they’re all right in that they sum up all of what your team is. They unite fans by a single symbol under which you can ostracize stupid outsiders. On the other hand, they’re annoying and they smell like butt. Case in point: the Philly Phanatic.
Bakersfield has a ton of them, from high schools to colleges and professional teams. I am going to rank them. Having gone to one of these high schools and currently attend one of the colleges that make it onto this list, there will be no bias.
Twenty-two teams make up Bakersfield’s sports presence, with varying types of mascots. Because of this, I’m splitting them up and ranking the top three from four categories: Birds, People, Animals and Assorted Nouns/Celestial Beings.
Here we go.
Birds: There are a ton of bird mascots in town. I don’t know why, since birds mostly take to the air and the air here is terrible. I mean, you can see it on a bad day.
1. Condors – Bakersfield Condors (Edmonton Oilers ECHL affiliate): This bird is menacing, and even its babies look like they’ll peck a hole in your skull and unapologetically scoop your brain out with their beak. The Condor gets a bonus for being brought in as a real-life mascot, then flying around the Rabobank Arena causing real mayhem instead of the ‘mayhem’ they tell you to do from the jumbotron—which is basically making an idiot of yourself by dancing like an moron. That Condor got Bakersfield on Sportscenter. God bless you, Condor. Go eat some dead flesh and thrive.
2. Golden Hawks – Centennial High School: What’s cooler than a carnivorous bird of prey? A bird of prey made of a precious shiny metal, that’s what. Okay, the gold in the name comes from the golden brown color of their feathers.
3. Eagles – Bakersfield Christian High School: Because America.
Honorable Mention: Well, this isn’t too honorable. But I have to mention the Roadrunners. Yeah it’s a bird, but it didn’t place on my list because there are way better ones out there. They’re small, they mostly eat bugs and small lizards. In real life, the coyote catches and eats the roadrunner. There’s another predator that hunts the roadrunner, and it’s No. 2. Has anyone even seen a roadrunner around here? I see more squirrels and kit foxes around campus than roadrunners. It’s time for a change. Not only is Rowdy the Roadrunner nightmare fuel with his murderous glare and menacing snarl, but it’s also the name of Western Athletic Conference rival University of Texas-San Antonio’s mascot. If we’re trying to create a Division I atmosphere around our athletics programs, we have to set ourselves apart from the competition.
Assorted Nouns and Celestial Beings: This was a weird one.
1. Jam – Bakersfield Jam: Bakersfield’s NBA D-League team was tough to write about, mostly because I don’t know what a Jam is. Is it code for a monster slam dunk? Or do they refer to the jams you kick out when you’re rocking out? It’s probably the former, but their costumed mascot is a fox. Named Swish. So which is it, a dunk or a sweet swish from beyond the arc? Or a fox who’s favorite actor is, you guessed it: Michael J. Fox? Heaven help you, Jam.
2. Blades – East Bakersfield High School: I’m not a big fan of naming mascots after nouns. Mostly because a blade can’t act on its own. It’s like being the State University AK-47s. Dependency on something else is built in. Negative stereotypes aside, when I think of blades I think of prison; either using blades to get there or using them inside the pen itself.
3. Stars – North High School: The Celestial Being. It’s pretty tough to rally around exploding balls of exploding gas millions of lightyears away. Stars are basically farts in space that you can see from your backyard. Gentlemen, think about that the next time you take your lady out to a night under the stars. You are looking at farts, beautiful farts.
