By Daysi Meza

“My parents got divorced when I was just 5 years old. Shortly after that,my dad moved to another state. He does not really put much effort in coming to see me. I find myself feeling empty and unworthy at times when I think about the fact that the last time I saw him was 12 year ago. Luckily, my mom has supported me all along. I am 25 years old, and I am attending college. I have never worked. Whenever I try to do something on my own, she is always checking on me as if she did not really believe in me. How can I be more independent?

In relationships, I must also admit I don’t have the best luck. A lot of guys find me attractive, but I honestly don’t ask much about them when we go out on dates. I feel like most of them just want to hit it and quit it after they notice I don’t interact much. How can I stop being so selfish? I feel like I’m stuck in a bubble. I really want to find Mr. Right, and eventually form a family, but I am afraid my egocentric attitude will impede me from forming meaningful relationships. ”

Dear D.G:

I understand that you may not have the happiest family memories as you experienced the separation of your parents at a very young stage of your life. You may not have counted with the emotional support of both parents,but you are very fortunate about having the unconditional support of a caring mother. Perhaps the main reason your mother feels that she has to keep an eye on you whenever you are doing something on your own is that she has grown used to overprotecting you since your father has not been able to keep a close relationship with you. Whenever feelings of self-unworthiness invade your heart, block them with positive warm thoughts about the great sacrifice your mother has made for you all along. Inevitably, you have become more concerned about your emotional needs than others’ as your mother has made sure you had more than you needed in order to save you from experiencing the negative feelings that may have been caused by the absence of a father figure throughout the stages of your life. Today I want to encourage you to not let the decisions of others affect your personal well-being. You are a talented young girl, and your mother’s unconditional support is a treasure that should never be undermined. She is supporting you to the best of her ability.

Murray Bowen, a family theorist, defines independence as “individuation of self from the family of origin,” in which individuation comes from knowing that each of us is separate individual who also belongs to a group. Furthermore, Bowen suggests to individuals seeking to become more independent the following steps: identifying personal strengths, developing assertive skills, developing appropriate communication skills, setting appropriate boundaries with others, listening to others with whom we are in a relationship with, and even considering the feedback they may give you. Start looking for ways to incorporate these steps in your daily life. I guarantee they will make a huge difference in your attitude, and eventually on your interpersonal relationships.

You need to keep in mind that being involved in a romantic relationship is not just a matter of compatibility, but most importantly, you must be able to connect with that person at an emotional level. This can only be accomplished by genuinely caring about that person. So next time you go out on a date, try to make your best effort to connect with that person by asking him personal questions including: what his favorite place is, what would an ideal day be like for him, and even what his best
childhood memory is. Some of these questions will allow you to get to know him as a person, and as you get to know him better, time will tell if there is chemistry between you and him. Just be very patient. Love is a journey that begins within yourself. We all experience emotional burden at some point in our lives, so once your heart heals from these afflictions, you will be able to genuinely connect with the person you truly like.

Janet Millar, counselor at CSUB Counseling Center recommends students facing a similar situation to read books about relationships, self-development, talking with a clergy person, counselor, a trusted trained professional or even a close trusted family member.

For anyone that may be having relationship issues, feel free to contact our campus Counseling Center. Our everyday problems are just temporary.Problems are not perpetual, thus if you feel that you need help solving any personal issues, don’t hesitate to make an appointment.

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